Needles and Nurses: the love-hate relationship

The much anticipated sequal to 100.4 =/= 104.
No one wants a neurotic nurse weilding a needle, yet patients and families insist on poking the caged animal with the deadly weapon. How so? Take a look.

Chapter 1 "It won't hurt"
Chapter 2 "If you don't behave I'll get the nurse to give you a shot"
Chapter 3 "You really need to get it on the first try"
Chapter 4 "Oh my God! You got blood everywhere!"

Literally made for this

I was specially designed to be an ED RN:

- I walk faster than anyone else I know, even people who have longer legs.
- I really don't mind making you cry and/or scream.
- Nothing makes me nauseous. Not snot, vomit, feces, urine, pus, blood, or even vaginal discharge. ...even if it gets on me. Eh, I'm washable. *shrugs*
- I'm super sensitive to caffeine.
- I hate having nothing to do.
- I have the bladder of a blue whale made out of steel. My preceptors are always asking me if I ever pee. "I gave it up cold turkey" I tell them, quoting Lorelai Gilmore.
- I can pass myself off as sincere to even the most ridiculous parents.
- I do not blush. Not when a teenage boy whips out his penis, not when coworkers tell jokes in an effort to embarass the new young female nurses, not when rude surgeons chew me out.
- I am very territorial. No you may not come in my patient's room, yes you do need to get out of my way. This is my ER.
- I can eat dinner in less than five minutes.
- I have no problem telling jokes in the trauma bay while waiting for a child with a GCS of 3 to come rolling through the door.
- I'd rather be on my feet for 12 hours than sit for 8.
- My heart actually reaches optimal function in chaos (like a BMW reaches equilibrium at 80 mph)
- And I love every second of it. (ok not getting vaginal discharge on me, but hey, it happens)

"100.4 is not the same as 104, and other little known parenting facts"

Welcome to your guide of how to avoid pissing off the staff of your local emergency department. If you have ever visited your local ED, you probably have a lot of questions. Questions like "Why are all nurses so rude?" "Why didn't I see a doctor?" and "Why was my kid sent home when he is so clearly on death's door?" I hope to answer your questions by addressing some of the frequently asked questions in my own ED.
Let's begin.

Chapter 1: Why you have to wait in a room full of sick people.
Chapter 2: How the nurse knows your child never had a fever of 110.
Chapter 3: Who that woman wearing the white coat was and why she was only in your room for five minutes.
Chapter 4: Why your child was not given an antibiotic.
Chapter 5: Why no one laughs at your jokes about swine flu/MRSA/the full moon etc.
Chapter 6: What a primary care pediatrician is.
Chapter 7: When it qualifies as an "emergency."

Accomplishments of the day

I forgot to mention my 6 weeker the other day was also severely dehydrated. If I took a fine point pen and drew a line, that was the size of this baby's IVs. Be impressed. :-P

Today I finally did a male cath. It was pretty easy. I was about the fabulously stick an enormous vein in his tiny little arm but my pager went off. And then another nurse tried the vein and blew it. I was a little sad. I think I could've gotten it to work (she kept saying all day how she wasn't comfortable doing IVs.)

I also did assisted the doc with a pelvic exam all by myself. I'm not sure he really knew what he was doing...

My preceptor was sick and let me run all over the place by myself.
I loved it.

The charge nurse ordered the whole ED pizza. Because we are such hard workers.
Yummy.

I anticipated the need for a pregnancy test (that the MD forgot to order with her urinalysis) and so saved my patient several extra hours waiting for her bladder to refill before she could get xray'd and moved on to the next step.

I also caught a croupy baby getting worse before he could crash on us. I was so glad. One because he didn't crash. And two because I AM FINALLY LEARNING THE GAME!!!! Yay!

I placed another IV in a 14yo. The first one infiltrated and just reinforced my love of the lateral AC vein. From now on if I see it on a patient, that is where they are getting stuck, I don't care how nice their other veins look, the lateral AC is my baby.

Random thoughts from the day

I got a successful blood draw AND IV in a 6 week old with only ONE stick. Yes, I do still *heart* IVs.

Gwen got a list of ways to avoid catching the flu which we all committed to memory (who knew shoving q-tips soaked in salt water up your nose would do anything?)

You know you're fried when a baby accidentally scratches you while you're trying to get a pulse-ox wrapped around her finger and you silently swear at her. I instantly felt so bad (and so glad I had the self-control not to actually say it).

I like IVs

Today I got my first hand IV, my first 9 month old IV, and my first really dehydrated kid IV.

Luckily these were not all the same kid.

Long time

Work:

I *love* it. Kids are awesome, scrubs are comfy, and adrenaline is fun!
I'm getting really comfortable with IVs, which was the thing I was most worried about. My youngest successful IV was a 3 year old. Now anyone over the age of like, 7, I'm completely cool with.
I have managed to contract something from the little bioterrorists but it seems like it's already settled in my chest so hopefully it will be gone by Monday and my voice will be back. *crosses fingers*

Cincinnati:

Also loving it. :) The apt is still taking shape, much the chagrin of my savings account. Oops.
Found a church. Sounds like the last thing I'd be saying after my last post but they're still on thin ice so we'll see how it works out.

Running:

My injured knee is rehabbing very slowly I still can't run more than a quarter mile or so without it threatening to flare up so I...
...joined a gym. (Further dissappointing my savings account, as I paid for a year in advance as incentive to go.)
I'm also swimming, which has been fun. Haven't been in almost 2 weeks though due to a heavy schedule last week and being sick this week.

Random pet peeves:

People who honk their horn and try to encourage me to try to turn left into fast moving traffic....and aren't even behind me! What?
People who stop at stop signs......and then sit there. Hello, you are in everyone's way! Park somewhere else!

Happy fun-ness:

Broke out the winter clothes and blankets! *note: this will not be happy nor fun in a few weeks* Scrubs are just so much cuter when they have long sleeves under them!
VS had an amazing deal and I picked up a bunch of underwear for 2.50 each. I saved like 70% or something crazy. Yay!
TV shows are back and provide me with unending entertainment for when I'm not doing something more entertaining. Or working.

Yes I'm a Christian, No I don't go to church

Mike and I are in the middle of a debate...well, actually it's not a debate so much as he is angry because I am lumping all churches together by saying I don't like church and it's boring.
Granted, every church is different but I'm just not going to spend years visiting every church in the area (multiple times, too, because you can't judge them by one Sunday *rolls eyes*) to try and find a good fit. I just won't. No.
I've been to a gazillion churches in my childhood and not one was both doctrinally sound and interesting. I've seen pretty much every denomination (and nondenomination). I've even toyed with the emerging church and house churches.
I mean, what is church anyway?
You worship God with music. So do I. Just not in a big distracting group with songs that I can sing without thinking about the lyrics because we sing them EVERY WEEK or on a rotating basis. I prefer Steven Curtis Chapman, Jeremy Camp, Switchfoot, Brandon Heath, and Todd Agnew to hymns. There's nothing wrong with that, but any church that uses them gives me stimulation overload with their messages. They're so dramatic I lose focus on the message.
Which brings me to...
You get a lesson. If you're lucky it's one you haven't heard 6 times before. I listen to chapel online, or read CS Lewis or the Eldridges. Or any number of Christian speakers. There's no difference between reading a sermon or hearing it online or in person. But I'd have to travel a little far to attend the churches where most of them are (in some cases, a time machine would be necessary).
You get "fellowship." Which I put in quotes because all churches pride their fellowship but so often it is just gossip. Gossip about your husband and what a trial he is, or about your neighbor who was in that awful car accident. Ever notice that prayer request time turns into "OH! I've got a story!" time? First off, I am not a people person. I don't need a lot of people, especially people I don't know, to help build me up or direct me. I have parents and a roommate who do that. I have dead people (Lewis) who do that. I have fictional characters (Kreacher, Thomas Hunter, Jan Jovic, and Elwin Ransom) who do that. It may not work for you, but it does for me.
I am far more easily encouraged and convicted by the written word than the spoken one. I like to mull over deep thought and quotes that took people days to perfect. I like to have the Truth slammed in my face once in a while. Just not by people who are literally in my face. I want people far far away when I get convicted. Otherwise I'll just get pissed and defensive and the whole point will be lost on me.
You also get a home base for ministry (hopefully) from a church. Well, I give money to WorldVision and other organizations. I save kid's lives for a living. I defend the faith on Xanga.

And that's good enough for me.

First 5K Results

The website says I ran a 29:00 flat. But I know this to be incorrect because my watch was around 28 by the time I looked at it (after I was hanging over a trashcan, nauseous). It also says that the couple that I passed at the end of the race finished 1 second behind me...even though they cross the starting line before me and I passed them over 100m before the finish. Yeah.
Anyway, even with the poor timing I was 13th out of the 66 women in my age group (not counting walkers) and 59th out of 269 women total. So not great, but not bad either.

Things learned at my first race

1. Keep track of your own time: There was no clock at the end of the race and they are being slow to put up our finishing times. *rolls eyes*
2. Bring your iPod: It helps pace you.
3. Do not plan anything for after a race: I was so exhausted. It didn't help that I couldn't sleep last night thanks to the allergy medicine I'd had to take.
4. Practice drinking Gatorade before you drink it in a race: I wasn't planning on drinking anything during the race at all because I never do, but it was sooooooooo hot and humid I needed something and all they had at the hydration station was Gatorade. I felt so nauseous as I crossed the finish line.
5. Don't participate in an inaugural run: This was the first King's Island 5K/10K and they had no idea what they were doing. Some of it was beneficial, like how they didn't have a parking attendant so none of us paid for parking. But most of it was not. They didn't get all the t-shirt sizes they promised. We started over 30 minutes late (therefore it was warmer than I was planning on, and I was still wearing a shirt). The course was so poorly marked/manned that many people actually got lost! There was no clock at the end, as I mentioned. There was no "amazing after party!" all it was was music over loudspeakers and free vitamin water (sorry, but I need actual carbs and protein after a run!). They promised finisher's medals but I saw a whopping 6 people with medals all day.
It was so incredibly poorly done. :(

Hello Ohio, meet your newest official resident!

I got my driver's license changed today. I finally no longer have the hideous fat picture from Florida. YAY!!!! I look slightly "deer in the headlights" in the new one, but at least my face doesn't look twice it's actual size.
As I was waiting in line I realized that, although I am almost 24, I have never had to renew my license. And won't until I'm at least 27. I then considered the possibility that I may have moved out of state again by that point. Not that I'm planning on it, but there's the very real possibility.
Also interesting is that they gave me my old license number from 5 years ago, which means I never have to dig through my purse to copy down my license number ever again!! (I memorized it when it was put on my permit at 15 because it was so easy)
My new license is also pink. Which is awesome. And has the cute little organ donor heart that I've wanted since I was a child. I think organ donors should get special priviledges, like we should get to pick the background color of our license, and "ok" our picture before it gets slapped on there, and one free speeding ticket of 10 mph or under. Maybe then we'd get more donors. (But then, maybe we wouldn't. *shrug*) If we can't make organ donation on death mandatory, we should at least give rewards to the people who volunteer. I'm just saying.

Adventures with the Bebe Seester

The bebe seester came to visit for a few days and I think we had a really good time. Mostly we sat around and watched movies and 24 but I had fun. In the process we began what has turned into "The 24 Rules about 24" or "How to survive 24 hours of terrorism." Here are the ones we have so far.

1. If you know something that no one else does, don't tell anyone except Jack or the president (in the case that the president is actually a good guy). Exception: the bad guys also know, in which case tell absolutely everyone.
2. Do not underestimate Jack. Not only is he death proof, but also a master hair stylist (see season 6).
3. Women are evil/stupid. Do not trust them. Exception: Chloe O'Bryon who has made it through more seasons of 24 than anyone other than Jack and Wayne Palmer.
4. Never ever ever do what a terrorist wants you to do, especially if you don't understand it. Exception: You are Jack Bauer. Exception to the exception: They are using Audrey as leverage.
5. Don't date anyone. Otherwise one of you will wind up being a terrorist or unwillingly/unwittingly helping the terrorist.
6. If you must break rule 5, do not under any circumstances have children who will invariably be used as hostages to manipulate you into helping the terrorists, thereby fulfilling number 5.
7. Any tack team without Jack will fail. If you think you have succeeded, run, as there is a 100% chance that there is a bomb about to explode nearby.
8. CTU is not safe.
8a: They will lose a big chunk of their personnel every season from direct attacks on the building.
8b: If you are a main character, you are more likely to die inside CTU, than outside of it.
9. Do not trust anyone, especially best friends and family members, between the 55th and 60th minute of every hour. This is when you are most likely to die.
10. If you are under 18 and have a name, you cannot die, regardless of who takes you hostage or what they want in exchange. This even applies in minutes 55-60. You are basically mini-Jack.
11. Do not discuss killing your hostage when the hostage is in the other room, especially if the hostage is so far unaware that they are a hostage.
12. Killing half a dozen innocent people in the attempt to kill one politician you don't agree with, does not make you a murderer. But killing one person you work with, does.
13. Any family emergency is a trap. Your brother is not in the hospital. Your sister is not in desperate need of money. Your father is not dead. Your wife (see number 5) is not being held by the terrorists.
14. If something goes missing, REPORT IT! This applies to everything from keycards you are sure your sister's boyfriend pilfered to nuclear weapons, which, let's face it, are definitely not with any innocent person.
15. Don't live in LA. It is more important to the terrorists than NYC, DC, or any other acronymed city in the US.

Running makes you stupid

The last two long runs I've done, I realized I got chills, despite the warm weather, around miles 6-7. I would then have to stop at 8-9 because I was tired, nauseous, and craving water.
This is where I decided running makes you stupid. Because I am a nurse, an experienced EMT (who ran stand-by at athletic events for crying out loud), and an athlete on and off for 8 years and yet I missed the signs of beginning heat stroke o.O (Before my mom freaks out, let me add that I was nowhere near actual heat stroke. I'm smart enough to listen to my body when it starts doing funny things.)
Again, running makes you stupid. Well, not running specifically, anything that takes a great deal of concentration on simply finishing can distract you from the things you should notice. And to be fair, I did notice. I came home and googled them and then smacked my forehead. Of course!
So now I am researching camelbaks. Because I refuse to decrease my mileage and I hate carrying a waterbottle. It's bad enough I have to carry my iPod.
And I'm picking up some Gatorade at Kroger today.
Stupid stupid runner.

Oh yes, I forgot: Dog attacks!

As I was running today I saw this lady walking her dog about a quarter mile ahead of me. No big. I see tons of people out walking dogs....and I usually want to chuck a copy of Dog Whisperer at their heads.
Anyway, the problem was that there was another dog running loose. It was kind of antagonizing the woman walking her dog, running back and forth across the street into yards on both sides. I was pissed. It was a husky mix, so good size dog. I was encouraged that it wasn't trying to attack her or her dog, but still annoyed. She didn't seem to mind so I thought maybe it happened a lot or she knew it or whatev, so I wasn't scared.
I catch up and I'm watching it warily, but it seems to only want to play with her and her dog so I say "Stay!" as I pass it.
....and then it starts to follow me. Not really chase, but still, I'm too tired to outrun it or climb a tree or even project "calm assertive energy." And then they lady yells (in a voice that clearly is not often used at loud volumes or to command anyone to do anything) "BoBo (or whatever it's name is...), no."
Ok, now I am pissed. I hadn't realized it was her dog!!!! WTH lady?!?!
I turn at the dog and shout "NO!!!" very loudly (which startles him so much he actually sits down. Comical.) then glance behind me, and with quite a bit more venom than I intended, snark "Put him on a leash!"
"He was!" She replies indignantly (I'm sorry, you have no reason to be indignant, lazy woman). "He got off it. I'm trying to catch him."
"Well, you certainly aren't trying very hard." I quip, and then run off into the sunset.

The whole time I was behind her she had never called the dog, never walked after it, never paid it any attention. She had just walked along calmly with her other dog at her side. Even after I yelled at her, I didn't hear her call to it to try and get a leash on it. I swear. People. She's lucky I didn't aim a good kick at it (and the only reason I didn't was that it wasn't scaring me.)
Yes, it looked happy running around, and had a friendly disposition (except that it's eyes were completely black. Like a vampire dog or something.) But there is no reason I should have to even wonder if some dog is going to bite me (which happens about 3 times a day. Wondering, not biting.) No reason I should have to carry mace or an airhorn. People should be responsible. But they aren't. And so I have no reason kicking your dog in the face (regardless of how small it is) or smashing my iPod on top of it's head if it gets too close to me.

Dogs bite. Are you stupid?

So there's this thing called the Flying Pig...

...and I really want to run it. Only problem is that it's 26.2 miles long. That's right. It's a marathon. (But it has a sweet sounding name, no?)
So I ran for almost an hour and a half today and covered 6.84 miles. 8-12 min miles. (You have to run at least 16 min miles not to kicked off the Flying Pig trail, which I think equals out to about 7 hours.) It wasn't bad actually. I've found in the last couple days (Saturday I ran 5 miles) that after I get past 3 miles it gets a lot easier. I'm also a lot faster if I let myself walk a few hundred yards when I start bouncing up and down more than actually running.

So the wishful layout goes something like this:
August 16: 5K
September 6: 5K
September 28: Half marathon
October 30: 5K
November 26: 10K
December 5: 5 K
Spring: Sprint Triathalon
May 10: Flying Pig Marathon

I need to mix in some more 10Ks and half marathons but I have to find them first!

Today I...

...used the stationary bike because my twisted ankle worried me too much to run on it. Not with less than 2 weeks until the race.
...watched CNN go from slightly entertaining to mind-numbingly dull to irritating. In less than 45 minutes. I changed the channel right before we ventured into "infuriating."
...sat in Barnes & Noble reading Cosmo and Women's Running.
...really really really wanted to go for like a 10 mile run (or at least attempt it). Damned ankle.
...made salmon (since Sarah was not here to be assaulted by the scent of it). And it was goooooood.
...tried to pick a fight on facebook with one of the bebe seester's more easily provoked ex-classmates.
...missed Cedarville. :(

And now I'm going to spend some time with the two most delicious men ever! (Aka. Ben & Jerry. Awkward statements FTW!)

Long time, lots of stuff happened, but none of it is that interesting to write about

Today I was asked by an elderly man when I was going to cut my hair. MLIA.
Luckily I'd already decided to grow it out for Locks of Love again, so I didn't sputter incoherently.

I have apparently inherited my father's ability to grocery shop for forever. Even with a list. Although, by the time I was done I was exhausted and just ready to go home.
I was sick of eating crap so I went on Real Age's You: On a Diet. I'm making turkey chili but since I've never used a crock pot before and have extremely limited knowledge of cooking meat, it looks a lot more like spaghetti sauce.
Oops.
I just hope it cooks correctly....especially since it's dinner for Sarah and Lindsay too!

16 days to the 5K!!
17 days till I officially start work at CCH!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I read a Xanga today where a middle-aged person lamented the fact that younger people tend to think respect should be earned instead of freely given.

First I wondered what planet they were on because the young people I know like to throw around the word "respect" like a weapon.

"Respect me and my almighty, though severely underinformed opinion!!!"

Second, I couldn't help but internally groan over the semantic issue. The following are a few of the proposed definitions of "respect" according to Google.
1. the condition of being honored
2. regard highly; think much of
3. a sense of the worth or excellence of, a person, a personal quality, ability, or a manifestation of a personal quality

That third one alone has multiple definitions within it. The worth of a person is a lot different from the excellence of a personal quality or ability.

I respect the fact that human beings are alive and afforded certain rights as such. The right to remain alive for one thing. I've cleaned up my share of poopy butts, I respect the human condition. That I give to you from the moment you are conceived.

I do not, however, consider you excellent in any form of the word until you show me that you indeed are excellent. Why should I assume you are smart, funny, discerning, or hardworking any more than I should assume you are stupid, dull, gullible or lazy? I assume, on first meeting, that there are things at which you are better than average and things at which you are rather poor.
If you do something honorable such as rally your previously unsafe community and prevent children from entering the local gangs, thus making your streets a safe place once again, I will respect that. I will determine that social action is something at which you are effective and will listen to what you have to say when you tell me there is a problem.
But if you do something stupid, for example you vote for an immoral person with little experience and even fewer realistic ideas for global solutions, then I am not going to respect that. I'm going to chalk politics up to one of the things that is just not your forte, and a thing that I would perhaps rather you avoid contributing to in the future.

Will I still wipe the poop off your behind when you are semi-conscious and writhing in pain on my emergency room bed? Yes. Because I respect your humanity. If you want more than that, do something deserving.

Zebras? What the-?

There is a saying in medicine: "When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras."
That is to say, if a patient comes in with a cough they probably have a cold. Not cancer, not bird flu, not an alien ready to hatch in their throat.
But no one goes into medicine for the horses.
No one would enjoy House if he diagnosed his patients with colds and sent them on their way.
We want to hunt the zebra, gosh-darnit!

Zebras are the things that make life exciting. They're the things you didn't notice at first glance. The things that were always lurking under the surface, waiting to be discovered.
A zebra is the new girl at school with the potential to be an everlasting friend.
Zebra hunting is switching majors five times and then finding your future in an extra curricular activity.
You catch a zebra when you don't get into the school you want, just to get into a better one.

We're trained not to expect the zebras.
But they are out there.

July

I just realized how crazy and expensive this month is going to be.
I already went to Miami over the fourth which was fairly cheap for such a trip, but still cost money, and was.......a different kind of experience. *indignant rolling of eyes*
Grandmother arrives today for a two day visit.
I move next week which involves renting a trailer, paying for gas for two vehicles, buying a washer and dryer, first month's rent (while still paying for my apartment in Gainesville), painting/decorating, and restocking the kitchen.
I take NCLEX (YAY!!!!!!!!!) in two weeks, which has already been paid for (thank goodness) but is still massively stressful.
And hopefully I start working at some point, even if all I'm doing is filling out my tax information, at least I'm getting paid which will help recoup my losses.

Overall a very eventful month, though.

LOTR trailer discovery

Ok, so this is going to sound rather inconsequential, but I found the original teaser trailer for the entire LOTR trilogy. Yep, inconsequential. But I remember, as an 8th grader, arriving at the theatre to see Star Wars Episode 1 with my dad. We rarely ever went to the movie theatre back then but being avid Star Wars fans we actually went during opening weekend (and I saw it a whole day before Sarah D, which thrilled me to no end when I found out at school on Monday). I was so psyched because I couldn't believe that I would actually be able to tell my children that I saw Star Wars in the theatre; thrilled that my generation was getting it's own awesome trilogy (of course, this was before every single movie that did well at the box office turned into a trilogy).
And then, we were settled into those gloriously dirty chairs, our feet firmly glued to the floor by drying Coca-Cola....and the previews began. There it was. The fellowship calmly climbing over the top of a mountain on their journey, with the names of the three movies and their release dates. It overshadowed my entire Star Wars experience. I was only 13 and the thought of movies being planned to be released over 4 years later was astounding. I'm not even sure I realized that by the time the last one came to theatres I'd be in college.
It was overwhelmingly odd. And wonderful.

And I am weird.

I'm really having trouble coming up with titles lately

2.6 running straight, 5.1 overall. I ran a new route so it was hard to keep track of exactly how far each stretch was except for the first one. I have 7 blisters and one hot spot. Boo.

So I met up with Ben, the guy Kim warned about me, yesterday for coffee....which turned into lunch and dinner and a School of Rock and playing in the pool.

Today he's coming over to help me wash and wax my car ( -.^ ), watch Prison Break and have dinner. Tomorrow we're seeing Transformers 2. He's a little obsessed with Megan Fox. I mean, granted, I drool over Zachary Quinto almost daily (and to the point that it drives Mike absolutely bonkers when we're trying to watch Heroes together) but I do not have his face as the wallpaper on my phone. Admittedly this is in part because I had never thought of it before...

Who wouldn't want to see that every time they turn on their phone?

Blisters blisters go away

3.6 + 0.6 running and 0.6 walking = 4.8 miles today. Then I came home and did a little swimming. Could have done more but I am terrified of hitting the walls of the pool and so I can only take 6 small strokes or 4 big ones before I have to stop and walk to the wall and turn around to go again.

Convo of the week (I believe there have been two in the same week. It doesn't matter)

Kim: *to me* I told him you’d scare him off.
Mom: *to Kim* He’s been to Iraq, how scary can she be?
Kim: He's been warned.

Success! (x2)

Background: the Navy has the strictest PT requirements for entry out of any of the branches (well, except maybe the Marines, I ignore them because grandpa always dogged them, lol). One of my goals was to beat their entry requirements, not because I want to join them but because I wanted to be able to if I ever wanted to. Anyway, they want you to run 2 miles in less than 19:26. I ran it in 18:13 today. :-D

Also I finally got in a whole 5K in one stretch (instead of stop-go) which means I can officially start signing up for 5Ks! YAY! If only I had committed to this in HS I might have actually been really good at something other than hurdles.

Oh, and these are my new shoes! --->

Nike Air Max Moto+ 6 in Womens. I wanted the black and purple ones but they didn't have them in my size. The red is growing on me though, especially since they didn't pop my existing blisters or give me new ones. The only thing is that I forgot to take my weak ankles into account when researching the best shoe for my foot type so I wound up with a highly cushioned shoe with little support (I have high arches and tend to supinate/under-pronate, plus I'm mid-foot striker so padding all the way through, baby!). I turned my ankles so many times today they were sore when I got home. If I can't strengthen them I'll have to buy a new pair of sneaks and use these ones as my hospital shoes.

I've been using a calorie/fitness diary online but the things has got to have a problem: the last three days I've been deficient 1000 calories. But I eat! Including Ben & Jerry's, chili, and this coolwhip pie thing. AND I'm too lazy to alter the default settings when I eat something "low-fat" or with less calories than the diary has recorded. But I am not calorie deficient! I'm only burning an extra 300-500 calories a day so if this thing is right, then I've been deficient 500 calories every day of my life....I should look like an Auswitch survivor by this point if that's true. I suspect something odd is going on....

I went to Vinyasa Yoga class today hoping it would be a little more advanced than the Hatha classes I went to during the week. Well, it was. It was KILLER!! It turns out the purpose of Vinyasa is not just to link the static poses but to make you sweat like a dog to release toxins. I had just showered and put on a cute new tank top because I was expecting little more than slow position changes. Ha. Ha ha. Not what I got.

Also, our yogi decided to make today all about remember how short life is (gee, I wonder why) and played Michael Jackson half the time. Which is great when you're working and dripping with sweat...not so helpful when trying to relax into shavasana at the end. The ridiculous thing is that I'm the youngest person in this class by at least 20-25 years (other than the one cute guy my age who was there today) and yet when the CD started and "Bad" started playing it took them like 15 seconds before they all recognized it and laughed. I knew from the beginning notes. I was highly dissappointed in their musical memory. Especially with 5000 tributes to Michael Jackson all over the place yesterday.

Well, I want to pass out but can't so I have to go find something to keep me awake. Some protein or carbs or something...

A Day Off From Church

A holiday season inevitably means a break from the usual church services. Easter brings passion plays and Via Dolorosa processions. Christmas means Christmas concerts and four weeks of Advent. But no holiday is a greater break from the usual than the fourth of July. It is a regular vacation from church.

Back story: My parents' home church (which I am currently visiting while spending time with them) puts on a big Independence Day celebration the first Sunday of every July that takes up the whole service and provides no preaching. Although God is mentioned in passing songs lyrics and prayer, the focus is on Americans. I overheard the rehearsal for the program this afternoon and wanted to start overturning the tables in the lobby: The choir director was recounting all the ways in which America was a wonderful place because of other Americans, specifically veterans. No mention of God. No mention of the areas in which America is horridly inadequate.

(Disclaimer: I am certainly not anti-veterans. I'm from a big Navy family, grew up on and off of Air Force bases, and have occasionally toyed with the idea of joining the military myself. I am very thankful for my freedoms and for the chance to selfishly hoard riches and resources if I were to so choose. I am immensely proud of my grandfather, dad, uncle, aunt, cousins and friends for their contributions to the country and therefore my way of life. I am all for honoring them and the sacrifices they have made, but not in lieu of church.)

Regardless of your intentions, it does not make it right to take an entire Sunday away from worshipping God and spend it worshipping America and it's soldiers.
1. It's divisive. I've heard from greater world travelers than myself (although I found this to be true on my trip to Argentina) that we are the only people that places our nation's flag on the pulpit, in equal standing with God. It always makes me wonder: are we Americans first or Christ followers first? Why do we feel the need to be reminded of our nationality when worshipping the God who created ALL people?
2. It's disloyal. To pledge allegiance to an earthly kingdom in the "embassy" of our true citizenship (Heaven) is tantamount to treason, in my opinion. (To do outside of a Church I find far less troublesome.) I refuse to swear fealty to a man or a manmade entity in the house of the One I owe 100% of my loyalty.
3. It's simply not church. We are to have one day set aside to actively remember God, worship Him, and dwell on His goodness. To replace that with a time of celebrating our accomplishments is to change the entire point of what church is supposed to be.


I'm submitting this to ReveLife, basically the entire reason I wrote it. *crosses fingers and hopes not to be attacked too viciously by the trolls and America-Lovers*

How lazy am I?

I've realized that I can get away with applying eye makeup every other day, even though I wash my face several times a day. Just slap on some dark liner and a couple coats of mascara on day one and even after a heavy work out, a shower, and a couple face washings I still have definition around my eyes.
I'm so lazy.
And yet, not always! Today I ran 2.5 miles (and my longest stretch was a mile) plus walking another 0.7 miles interspersed.

Winner of the "Random Convo of the Week" award:

Me: maybe in the next lifetime. When we're bull weevils or something
Andy: weevils???? THAT's what we earned with all this learning???!?!?! WEEVILS???!!!!
Me: its our dirty minds, they counter acted all our good deeds and all our higher education. Sorry.
Andy: Well then we should get some mileage out of them whilst we're still human lol
Me: thats exactly the sort of thinking that made us come back with exoskeletons!
Andy: IM SHOOTING FOR SINGLE CELL!!!

Body Wars

I've been running with Chase the last three days (well, walk-running) and it's amazing to see how fast my body adapts. The first day I ran 1/3-1/2 and walked the rest (alternating). Yesterday I ran about half, and today I ran 2/3. YAY!!!!!! Soon I should be able to run 1/2 way without taking a break, hopefully.

Such a snarky brat, he is.

But now everything hurts :( My legs hurt in weird places that they never hurt during track season. I don't know if I ran poorly then or am doing so now. Or if it's just because the terrain is different. Or if it's something I'm doing/not doing in yoga. *shrugs* My abs are killing me, especially my obliques, thanks to my 300 crunches routine that Morgan taught me back when she and Deborah and I were going to the gym together. My arms, sadly, are actually fine. I think it's because the heaviest hand weights we have are 5lb and I need 7.5lbs.

I love that the more I exercise, the less junk I want to eat. I don't generally crave junk food anyway, I just eat it becase it I'm bored and it's something to do. Now when I'm bored and I stand in front of the fridge I think I am so not hungry right now and if I eat that it's just more weight I have to haul around the block tomorrow.

I did make pizza though! Homemade whole wheat pizza with spinach, pesto, and fresh tomatoes. It was also supposed to have feta but I forgot...oh well. Good for my mama, who's watching her cholesterol: 0mg cholesterol and 2g fat. And very filling, we each only had one piece.

And for dessert? Key Lime Pie yogurt! Another tasty Yoplait flavor that I adore.

*flops into chair overdramatically from sheer exhaustion*

I think Chase is a mah-velous exercise partner. Granted, he cannot race me to the end of 3o0 crunches, but he can...

...push me to run instead of walk, but not say anything when I have to revert to walking

...make me practice my footwork by deciding to go left around the sewer grate instead of right (at the last minute possible)

...strengthen my knees every time I have to tug him back into position

...spice up my yoga routine

I love downward facing....dog

...never cancel on me because he is sick or has errands to run
...never tempt me with food that will make me fat
...always beat me in a race of any distance but never secretly (or not so secretly) gloat about it
...never wear cuter clothes or shoes than me
...give me an excuse not to stop and talk to/run with random people
...never complain that we run the same route every day, or that I've gone and changed the route without consulting him

I will miss my puppy :(

The nursing view

I decided to refocus on myself these next couple weeks before I move in an effort to keep the impending chaos from making me ill again. You know: eat more fruit, exercise, read, etc.

Well, I was surfing some of the Xanga "-ish" sites that focus on health and cosmetics and such and ran across this picture:

"You look like a swivel stick. It's not healthy." --In and Out

At first I was automatically envious of her abs and started pouting to myself. Damn her and her perfect stomach. AHHHHH!!!!
But recently I've developed this odd habit of looking at people like I'm their nurse, even when I'm not. And the new instinct kicked in here without my even thinking of it. She looks malnourished. Her ribs and pelvis are sticking out. Where the hell would I give a SQ injection on this chick?? She's going to need extra blankets...
This is why I love Shawn Johnson. Her abs are still completely unattainable but at least she doesn't look like she exists on one carrot a day. Plus, I won't give myself a disease trying to look like her.

Plus, Shawn has Mark Ballas. Gotta be something to that...

What will she do next?

Find a man!

So I had a long car ride yesterday to think about random things and I started listing my characteristics for an "ideal man." Like a little jr higher. Anyway, some were amusing so I thought I would just share.

Ok, the first round:

1. Christian. In a real way. Explaining this takes too much time and is pretty unnecessary anyway.

2. Non-smoker. Icky.

3. Wants a lot of kids. Because I want my five rugrats.

4. Likes big dogs. Because I already have one and he's not going anywhere.

5. Doesn't spend a lot of money. Because I am paranoid.

Now the oddities begin. These are what makes him "ideal" and not merely "compatible." I do not suffer under the delusion that anyone will in anyway fit all of these qualities.

-- Geek. And I do mean in the dresses-up-to-see-Star-Trek, counts-down-to-Comic-Con, Leonard/Sheldon-from-Big-Bang-Theory kind of nerd. Not just in the knows-the-difference-between-Cylons-and-The-Borg sort of way *shudders at such loose usage of the word "geek"* (fluency in Klingon not required)

-- Likes country music.

-- Preferred profession: engineer (bc that is the running joke), trauma/ER/military doctor (specifically), country boy (this includes cattle rancher, horse breeder, farmer.....I dunno, I like cowboys, heehee)

-- Likes to travel.

-- Can give awesome back rubs.

-- Can cook really well. And he has to measure up to my dad so... He at least has to do the obligatory grilling. Cuz I have no desire to stand over a fire in July but I love me some grilled hamburgers on the 4th!

-- Sings. But in a Chris Tomlin way, not a BSB way.

-- Dances. Think Dancing With The Stars, again not BSB.

...Luckily My God Owns a Backhoe

Aha! I am done! My cave-in is resolved and I am FINISHED with nursing school!! *excited screaming commences*

The plan now is to pare down all my crap into a few less boxes, get some much neglected exercise, sleep, eat, watch movies, and generally do nothing until the middle of July.

So nice to do nothing.

An avalanche just caved in my light at the end of the tunnel

I'm not getting any better. No. Every day I get sicker.
Thursday I had a bit of a sore throat.
Friday it was a bad sore throat and a funny nose.
Saturday it was a nasty head cold and exhaustion.
Today it is migrating into my chest, the exhaustion is even worse and I feel hot all over.

I don't see how I could possible pull together a 12 hour shift like this, let alone if I am worse tomorrow. And my nurse is only scheduled for three days this week and I have 17.5 hours to get in by Friday. Of course on top of that, this is likely to turn into bronchitis if not pneumonia and linger around me for a couple weeks.

I emailed my professor to ask her what the contingency plan is and if she makes me stay here into July to get the hours clocked I will be sooooooooooo ANGRY with her: At the very beginning of the summer my nurse only worked 24 hours one week and I asked my professor if I could work an extra 12 with someone else that week to make sure I finished on time and she said no because there was extra time built in at the end for something like that. Well I knew if we didn't prepare for the worst, the worst would come. And it has.

It's taking me longer and longer to recover between shifts and the stress of knowing I'm not going to finish on time is not helping.

Lucky Girl

What's the first thing you do when you get a cold?
"Uh...chicken soup, aspirin, scotch..."
"You never just have the cold?
"I don't know what..."
"Taken nothing. Just have the cold."
"No."
"No. And that's us, right? We drown it, kill it, numb it...Here they feel everything straight from God. There's no drugs, no painkillers....we have no idea what courage is."
-- Nick and Sarah, Beyond Borders

I picked up a big bag of Jolly Ranchers and a box of losanges that promised to cut my cold in half. (I was too tired to even be annoyed that they claimed to be "clinically proven.")
I was applauding myself for toughing this out without trying to get antibiotics when I remembered the quote from Beyond Borders.

Suddenly I didn't feel so tough anymore.

Mikki would be ashamed of the baby Michelle has become

When I was 18 I literally sat in the middle of the sidewalk between the Lake and the DMC and cried I was in so much pain...then got up and went to Bible class and math class. And we all know how that story ended.
Today I woke up with a cold and I'm really wondering how I'm going to manage tomorrow at practicum. Though, to be fair, it is a little harder to do sterile procedures with your nose dripping like a faucet than if your abdomen feels like it's going to explode. Ah, oh well.
Since I have no health insurance I refuse to visit the student health center (who knows how much lab tests cost for Strep? I don't want to find out.). Instead I've been gargling with salt/garlic water every hour or so. It really helps the sore throat but I think it's what gave me the drippy nose. Dangit.

I sold my little bookcase today. Yep. I dug it out of the trash 11 months ago and sold it today for 6 bucks.
Hopefully I'll get this guy to fork over at least $10 for my free desk later today.

Almost everything is packed. The only things not packed are the clothes, food, dishes, and toiletries I need the next couple days and some random little things I can't figure out how to pack. My room is very naked. All my decorations are down, my snoopy collage separated, my blinds wide open, my walls clean (well, soon to be anyway) and only one picture of my family still out. But it's quite the opposite of depressing: the big "6!" (my countdown) on my wipe-off board is the only decoration I need :-P

Back to the Basics part 34739

It's no secret that I've been trying to figure out exactly what Christianity is supposed to be about. I'm trying to strip away the religiosity and get back to life. Life as it is meant to be lived: isn't that really what Christianity is all about?

Anyway, it struck me today on my way home from practicum that Christians are a very negative group.
1. Sin. Christians love sin (as long as it is someone else's). We love to point it out, gossip about it, lecture about it, complain about it, lament about it etc.
2. Hate. Christians love to be hated. In fact, I've met plenty that have no problem admitting that they actively try to get people to hate them. o.0 Excuse me?
3. Prayer requests. While Biblical at the core, it seems like a lot of time people use "prayer request time" to simply talk about all the bad things in their lives. Compared to the amount of time spent offering "praise reports" or affirming that they believe that God will fix their problems or has a plan, "complain time" is definitely predominant.
4. Immoral politicians. This gets a group apart from "sin" because it is entirely different. Not only are we angry when politicians are gay/divorced/embezzlers/etc. but we like to lament in great laborious detail about all the laws that negatively effect us....or may in the future.

I noticed this because the Christian radio was on and I thought Boy am I glad they don't have news reports like K-Love. That's when I realized that, like the K-Love news reports, Christians like the focus on the bad things going on in the world.
I'm not saying we shouldn't be aware. But our awareness should drive us to make things better AND appreciate what we have. NOT drive us into the depths of despair.

Phil 4:8 Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

The final week is about to begin

In one week I will be packing everything into my car and my mom's van and leaving Gainesville in the dust! (well, technically I have to get up the next day and go to clinicals for a whopping 2 hours, but I'm looking for ways around that)

How can one week seem like such an immense amount of time when my five days at home this weekend just whooshed by?

Don't forget!

Today through June 22 it's free to register as a bone marrow donor!
Join me in the fun: http://www.marrow.org/index.html

All of my friends are getting married, I'm just busy being AWESOME!!

Allie and Liam are engaged! YAY!!! I thought it would be more odd given the fact that I've known Allie since she was an awkward Jr Higher (and now we're awkward adults...my how times have not changed) and that I dated Billy for such a short period of time so very long ago.
But it was not odd at all. Maybe I've finally reached the age where it seems normal that people are getting married, instead of surreal. (I always have been two years behind after all.)
I cannot wait to move back to Ohio so I can stop observing all these thing from far away!

8 days to my last full day of practicum
10 days till I move back home
12 days to end of school
about 40ish days till I move to my new city and start my new life! (finally...2 years behind my schedule, but right on time with God's!)

Awesomeness

Now and again ReveLife will actually post something that nearly everyone agrees on and that doesn't spark an angry fight between philosophically differing groups.
Here is one: "Things People Like to Tell Singles" The girl, 29 years old (I feel better already!), added her own snarky responses to the common "lines" we get.

1. When you stop looking, it'll happen. (Do I need to poke my eyes out?)
2. When you are content in God, He will bring you a spouse. (Are you always content with YOUR husband? Until you are, God won't bring you better one!)/ (I want to tell a starving person that when they're content being hungry, God will send them food.)
3. When you stop idolizing marriage, God will allow you to be married. (cuz God gives spouses as doorprizes)
4. Don't look for the right one - be the right one. (Apparently, I am the wrong one right now.)
6. God is your husband. (Really? Can I be His stay-at-home wife?)
7. Better to marry than to burn... (I am aware. I burn EVERY day. Go get the extinguisher. I'll try not to use it on your head)
8. Jesus and Paul were single. (Jesus died at 33. Is that my fate too?)
9. Enjoy the gift of singleness (a.k.a selfishness) while you can. (I'll be happy to do a gift exchange...you can enjoy my carefree life and I'll take guiltfree sex.)
10. Have you ever considered being a missionary? (so you just wanna ship me off eh?)
11. It's great that you are single-you can do so much more for God. (Indeed. You aren't doing anything for Him.)
12. You are going to 'find' that special someone soon. (Is he lost? Do I need a map?)
15. Don't worry, he's out there! (Where? In the Dryer-Sock Abyss?)
17. Have you ever considered that your standards are too high? You're never going to find the perfect person and you're not getting any younger. (breathing, Christian, tall, nonsmoker, non-divorced, non-baby daddy...too high you say?)
19. You're just so awesome, God needs time to mold a guy into someone awesome enough to be with you (He's the God of the Universe - he can make the world in 6 days, but he can't get me a man in 30 yrs?)
20. You know marriage isn't as easy as it looks... (*gasp* no! really?! guess what - neither is 30 yrs of singleness/no sex.)

Health tip #1: Eat Yogurt

The newest Publix (as if two on a city block weren't enough already) has the largest yogurt section I have seen in my entire life. I'm not the biggest fan of yogurt, but knowing how good it is for me I've tried to eat more of it. Plus, it makes a nice and easy snack to throw in my lunch bag.

At first I went for the cheap stuff: Yoplait's value size tub (9 cents an ounce). I mixed in fruit and/or granola for tasty breakfasts or dessert substitutes. Vanilla was my preferred favor until I tried stawberry. Now I can't go back. Vanilla, ewwww.

The last couple weeks I tried Yoplait's YoPlus in blackberry-pomegranate (I really want to find a store with cranberry-raspberry!) because it was on sale. It has the probiotics everyone is raving about, plus fiber and extra vitamin A and D. (A little cave-dweller like me can never get anough Vit D.)
It's now my favorite yogurt because it doesn't have the yogurt-y taste I grew to hate in childhood, but it is pretty expensive: 2.50 for a small 4-pack. (63 cents a serving/15.6 cents an ounce) There is, however, a $1 off coupon on their website and a money-back gaurantee if you don't love it.

Today I picked up Dannon's DanActive: Immunity in strawberry and pomegranate-berry because everyone I know is getting sick and I spend 36 hours a week on a hospital floor infested with shigella, MRSA, VRE, and other nasties. I'm really interested in seeing how this makes me feel because there's scientific evidence from the past ten years that really supports the use of the specific probiotics for boosting immunity.
However, it's almost the same price as YoPlus and it has a weird aftertaste that is strangely reminiscient of the acidophilus tablets I had to take as a kid (gee, imagine that). It is conveniently packaged as a drink, though. I'll ride it out and see.

I hate that all the food that's good for you is so expensive :(

In other news...

It's JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost forgot to make a big deal out of that...

Bone Marrow: "Be The Match Marrow-thon"

Bone marrow -- the liquidy inner part of your bones that makes blood cells, red and white.

Bone marrow is threatened most commonly in leukemia, which is cancer of the blood...or more specifically, of the bone marrow. It is also killed by radiation, which is the cure for some more radical and rare diseases...like you see on house.

Without properly functioning bone marrow your body cannot protect itself against even the common cold, in addition to making you anemic (and therefore pale, cold, tired, and shakey) and possibly causing severe bone pain.

The National Bone Marrow Registry is a database that holds the contact and health information of all Americans willing to donate their healthy bone marrow to individuals who need it (usually children with leukemia).

Bone marrow is much harder to match than blood because while blood only has to match on 2 levels (ABO antigens and Rh factor), bone marrow has 6 different HLAs. The closer the match, the better the chance that the patients body will not realize that the transplanted marrow is foreign and kill it.

Bone marrow harvesting has come a long way. There are two ways to harvest it from the donor.
1. The donor takes a drug called Filgrastim for several weeks. The drug increases the bone marrow stem cells available in the bloodstream. Then the donor visits a center: A needle goes in each arm. One needle takes your blood away, filters it through a machine, takes out extra stem cells, and the blood is returned (with less stem cells) in the other arm.
Side effects include bodyaches and headache while on Filgrastim.
2. The donor is put under general anesthesia and a hollow needle is used to remove some bone marrow from the pelvis. The marrow is replaced by your body in a few weeks, and your body doesn't even miss it.
Side effects include lower back soreness for up to a week after the surgery.

Not everyone in the registry will be contacted to donate. If you are contacted you will be provided with information on the procedure the patient needs done and you can still refuse to donate at any time. (Some short-term conditions, like pregnancy, will prevent you from donating until the condition is cleared.) If you consent to donating, you will be compared to the other top 20 or so matches and the best one is picked as the donor.

Usually it takes about $50-100 to join the registry because typing the bone marrow (done by collecting a small sample of blood at your doctor's office) is expensive. However, as previously mentioned, it is free for the weeks of June 8-22, or until they meet their goal of 46,000 new volunteers.

I'll be registering ASAP to check off yet another thing on my life's goals list (and who knows, maybe two of them! ["save a life" is number 61])

The website is here: http://www.marrow.org/index.html

You can make a fortune with this kind of mind reading

"Facebook is evil....And high school....And school busses. Busses are the worst. Damned busses."

"Oh no. What happened with andy?"

Where have all the hotties gone?

I was reading a Xanga entry about "old school hotties v. new school hotties" and although they decided it was a tie, I have to disagree.
No way are the Jonas brothers anywhere near Backstreet Boys or N*SYNC. I actually like their music, surprisingly, but those brothers are just not cute. The middle one is kinda close but still... as cute as Brian or JC? Never.
And Robert Pattinson?!?!?!?! Somehow the Harry Potter gurus made him pretty darned good looking for Goblet of Fire but these days he's just awful looking. It doesn't help his case that I think he's the most awful pick they could've found to play Edward. He is not smooth, he is not sophisticated, he is not hott, he is not American and HE IS NOT VAMPIRE-Y!!!! Ugh. But even without all that: she put him over Freddie Prinze Jr. How could she?!

She said Prinze looked "goofy" HAS SHE SEEN R. PATT (or whatever lame name the fangirls are calling him these days...)?
Then we got to Zac Efron. And I'm sorry Sarah, I know you love him, but he not hott. He can sing. But he is not hott. She even put him up against Leonardo DiCaprio...who I never liked...and Leo still won.
I'll give her that Chace Crawford is gorgeous and adorable. Even if his acting is gag worthy most of the time.

Maybe they're just too young. After all, I'd take Will Smith, Clive Owen, Hugh Jackman, or Robert Downey Jr., over the newbies any day.
*vaguely recalls that they are not really the superheros they portray, but shakes that off, quite certain that Clive Owen flies to Africa to perform surgery on his days off*

The Most Important Freebie of All...

I just found out that the national bone marrow registry is allowing 46,000 people to join for FREE June 8-22. This is major for me because I've wanted to join since high school but it's always been too expensive.

So, if anyone else wants to be involved: join next week (not this upcoming week).

Ok, today was Get Free Stuff Day:

First, Bath & Body Works has a coupon for a free Liplicious or CO Bigelow item (up to $12) with the purchase of any item. I got the lovely new Butterfly Flower body spray and picked up the incredibly tasty Cranberry Cocktail Liplicious lip gloss. I also picked up te Brown Sugar Scrub & Pomegranate Lip Color for 75% off. I loooooooooooove the Liplicious brand. It is soooooo yummy! And the brown sugar scrub is actually sugar, so its totally edible!

Act fast because the offer ends tomorrow!
But don't go too crazy because the big sem-annual sale starts June 1st!

I also got free ice cream from my local SuperWalmart because today is National Ice Cream Day. They stop serving at 4pm.

Other freebies:

Burt's Bees is having a giveaway every day until June 20th. Every day until then they give away 1000 beeswax lip balms at some time between 9am-noon. I've yet to catch it right on but I haven't given up!

National Donut Day is coming up: On June 5th (next Friday), Krispy Kremes everywhere will give away a free donut to everyone, no coupon needed. I did this last year!

Sonic is giving away free root beer floats from 8pm to closing on June 3rd (next Wednesday). That's what I'll be doing when I get off shift at the hospital!

I love free stuff!

14 hour shifts are not safe, but can be refreshing

I was seriously loopy by the 13th hour. But I was very blessed by my patients. One of them prayed over her lunch tray (jellow and chicken broth) with her husband, another prayed that I would be persuasive when advocating her case to the doctor, and the first made several comments about prayer.
I've been spending time trying to reconnect with my Creator, so these were great little messages to get today. I've been reading Mere Christianity and it means so much more to me now that I've been "out in the world" a little and I'm not reading it from the perspective of a senior at a Christian high school. And I've got my favorite Christian songs on repeat that I listen to in the morning and at night before bed.
As I drove away from the parking garage tonight I realized that even though I was exhausted, I had really enjoyed it. And I haven't felt like that since early morning CUEMS runs. I always attributed being this happy to being at CU or being with my good godly friends, but I think I gave them all too much credit. I think this joy-after-14-hours-of-bodily-fluids is a result of focuing on God, and therefore my real purpose. I don't have to get As, I don't have to be super-nurse, I don't have to do it all without help, and perfectly, and the first time.

Anyway, I should really get to bed so I can do this all over again tomorrow!

Oh Happy Days

Buy one get one free blackberries at Publix. Now how is a little fruit-lover on a budget supposed to resist?
Fresh blackberries, organic granola, and strawberry yogurt with live cultures...Yummmmm.

I found a great new Christian artist today: Jonny Diaz. I heard his song More Beautiful You on the radio on my way back from shopping:
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
...
So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZI_YG40uEDk

"Proof"

I had a patient today who looked EXACTLY like my great grandma.
And this patient was from COLUMBIA.
I took one look at her and screamed (in my head) "I KNEW IT!!!!!"

I am far too short, sassy, and dark not to be partly latina.

And yes, this proves it: it's arbitrary and it makes me happy. Isn't that the definition of proof these days?

Boring days off

It's really rather pathetic when you'd rather be at work than have a day off. Of course it's less pathetic when you'd rather be at work so you could be getting rid of those 142 hours you have left before you're done with school and can move far away.

I saw Tropic Thunder today. So dissappointing. I wound up grabbing my laptop about an hour into the movie I was so bored. And Robert Downey Jr. just isn't the same with colored contacts. Different color skin wasn't really hard to get past, but the eyes were. Creepy bright blue contacts...

Finished my portion of this weeks paper for policy class. Good grief I hate that class. Last week I was asigned the arguments against sexual education in schools (so overdone, *gag*), this week it was the problems with universal healthcare. You'd think it would be an easy paper. You'd be so wrong. Finding credible sources with negative things to say was a NIGHTMARE!!!!! I wound up having to use articles that were for universal healthcare and manipulating their points to try and make up negative evidence. Sucky sucky paper. You'd think more journals would be publishing the "con" side but all I could find were editorials! You can't cite those in a scientific paper!
/angry school rant

One little housekeeping issue: To my dear anonymous commenter. There are three options for who you are.
1. Liz. I kind of doubt this because I thought we cleared things up, but it is posible since you did post antagonistic anonymous comments before. Again, I think this unlikely, but if it is you, I would like you to know there is no reason to be anonymous. I have no problem with your being here or disagreeing with me.
2. Some random person/people. I'm thinking "no" for this one as well. First of all I'm pretty sure they're all (or almost all) the same person. Second, I have no idea why someone I don't know would want to hide their identity. Third...because I'm pretty sure it's number 3.
3. My apparent self-appointed nemesis Mikey G. I think this because it is just so fitting with everything I know about you. And because your comments tend to be political in nature and we all know how much you have always loved your little political aspirations. Why you are still around I have no idea unless you are really paranoid about finding mean things written about you when you google yourself (lol). But anyway, rest assured that I'm assuming these comments are left by you.

In related news: I will be relocating my site when I relocate IRL. Firstly because I am tired on the moniker I chose back in undergrad and think it sounds silly. Second because I would like to ditch Mr. Insecure just to piss him off. (Maybe I'll also run around the internet creating tons of fake blog sites mentioning his name and how dumb he is, just for kicks and giggles. Immature? Of course! But also fun.) But mostly number 1. And, ok, 2.
Just FYI.

If I think of anything else boring to write about I'll do so later.

Label-Induced Identity Crisis

People...or at least our society...are so dependent on labels.
Everyone wants to know "What are you?"
In regards to politics, religion (and denomination of that religion), career, nationality, ethnicity...

And it's so darned confusing!

What am I?

Well I'm pretty sure I'm human. Some days I'd rather not be but there's really no escaping that particular definition.
I'm female. And proud of it 99.9% of the time.
I'm an EMT and a nurse (or close enough anyway).
I'm a daughter and sister and best friend, most importantly.

And that's pretty much where your ability to label me ends. While I should probably be proud of the world's inability to put me in a box, slap a sticker on me and ship me to Taiwan to be mass produced...I'm not. Or maybe I am proud, but it certainly doesn't make life easy.
People like labels so that they don't have to waste time getting to know you. Or so they can judge ahead of time if you are worth the effort of getting to know.
Pathetic but true.

It's bugging me not because I want people to know me at a glance, but because I (like most members of my species) like camraderie. Don't get me wrong, I like debate, but I also like just being able to let down my guard and stop analyzing everything that everyone is saying. I like knowing that no one is analyzing me. And it's impossible when I'm straddling fifteen different labels.

I'm conservative because I think rich people shouldn't be taxed more (%age wise) than poor people, traditional families are important, we should defend our borders vigorously, and I want to own a gun.
But I'm liberal because I think we should welcome immigrants, probably have universal healthcare insurance, "go green," clean up the inner cities, help the homeless, and pay teachers more.

I'm a feminist because I think all women should be treated with respect, loved, cherished, and valued for the unique things we bring to the table.
But I'm anti-feminist because I don't think women are better than men or have any right to end an innocent life.

I'm a Baptist because I believe you need faith and works, inerrency of the Bible, and that not all spritual gifts are accessible to everyone.
I'm a Pentecostal because I believe women can be leaders in the church just like anyone else, that you need a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and that speaking in tongues still exists.
I'm a Roman Catholic because I take my religion seriously, I want to take communion every week, and I believe tradition is important.
I'm a Messianic Jew because I find knowledge of the original languages of the Bible to be vitally important, I celebrate God with dance, and I learn the most original content from Rabbis.
But I'm also this weird new breed that thinks the Church has responsibilities, that we're all "magically" connected to everyone else, and that prayer has a tangible effect.

I'm German, I'm Irish, I'm English, I'm Welsh, I'm Native American, I'm Dutch...and a whole lot of other things, no doubt. "So what?" You may say. "Over half of Americans are mutts."
Yes but I have family who were Nazis, family who hid the Jews, and most likely family who were Jews.
I have Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants in my background.
Native American ancestors and ancestors who came over during Pilgrim years.
Good grief my own blood has spent centuries trying to kill itself off, no wonder I'm so conflicted!

I'm an American with no loyalties to the government and I think our way of life is sickeningly selfish.
I have a bachelors in Psychology and think the APA is a sham for taking homosexuality out of the DSM.
I'm a scientist but I don't believe in proof.
I'm anti-abortion but pro-death penalty. (which many find a contradiction, even if I don't.)
I'm very pro-military without being necessarily pro-war.
I'm against the government telling me how to run my family, but think we should intervene in certain matters.
I hate people and love 'em all at once.

I am complex. I am an enigma, even to myself.
It should make me proud. Instead it makes my head want to explode.

So what am I?
(I wish I were my dog...)

Politics and Playing House

Remember when you played house as a kid? Everyone wanted to be the parents because they got to make the rules. If you weren't the parent the next best thing was if one of your friends was the parent because they could feed you chocolate and give you ponies. The worst possible scenario was getting that mean girl who had been held back and was therefore older and thought that meant she was already the boss of you. She'd make everyone lay down and pretend it was nap time.
But in the end it didn't really matter who got to play the parents because regardless of how awesome or horrible they were, they were only pretending to be in charge. Your best friend could decree that every Monday was "Ice Cream for Dinner" day and yet your real mom was still going to make sure there were green beans on your plate that night.
Real Mom and Dad's rules still applied, regardless of what fake mom or dad said.

And so it is with politics and God.

Arguments abound over whether you can be Christian and still belong to a certain party. It's a ridiculous question all around.
First, the only government (let alone party) God endorses is a Theocracy where He is in charge. He only gave the Israelites a king because they begged and whined for one, but He still knew it wasn't a good idea, and He told them so. And they have had no end of problems.
Sure they had good kings now and then, but even the greatest committed HUGE moral failures that impacted them negatively. David took a census when God told him not to and massive chunk of the Israelites were smite because of it.
Whoops.
And then there were the bad ones. Ahab comes to mind. As bad as it got with the horrible kings, they all died eventually...and God was still around, and His rules still applied. He got Israel through persecutions and famines and war brought on by kings who were anywhere from unprepared all the way to evil raving lunatics.

And this is where my responsibility to be involved in politics confuses me.
Is it my duty to my God to fight the evil system?
Or should I ignore the political realm entirely because there's nothing I can do about it anyway?
Probabaly somewhere in between, but I was never an "in between" sort of girl. I like the extreme ends of the spectrum.

And so, I cast my measly unimportant and ineffectual vote for responsible individuals who have godly morals. (...or rather I would if anyone like that would come along.)
And in the meantime, while I'm stuck with BObo in office, I will watch and wait for the inevitable day when he leaves office. Whether that be in 4 years or 8....or after he declares himself ruler forever a la Ceasar or Castro and dies in a nursing home as a shriveled prune.

Eventually he will leave office, as will everyone else. And the only question is will the successors be worse? Or will we get a temporary reprieve?

Either way, the rules never change, only the play pretend leaders.
Like children playing house.

I want all the credit, God can have all the blame

I was thinking today about how every time something bad happens (9/11, Katrina, kidnapped kids...or if nothing recent has happened, the good ol' standby: the Holocaust) people lash out with "Where was God?" "If God was really good and all powerful He wouldn't let this happen!" etc.
But of course when bad things don't happen we ignore it.
For example: we just averted a possible major flu epidemic. Had it come, no doubt God would have been the scapegoat for a lot of people, but I haven't heard one person throw themselves on the ground and thank God for it not happening.
Why?
Because God is like public health. (huh?) Yes. See, the analogy works pretty well because public health was scrambling during the beginning of the swine flu breakout. Scrambling to discourage travel, track the virus, dissect the virus, build an effective vaccine, stockpile Oseltamivir, keep people from panicking, quarantine people who had been exposed, poured over biostatistics, cursed Joe Biden, ran tests on millions of nasal swabs...ect.
But despite all this work, there's no telling if they managed to prevent anything from happening or if it never would have happened anyway.
Similarly, we can't tell when God has intervened or when nothing bad was headed our way to begin with. We can only tell when public health or God have "failed." And even then, you can't actually tell if they failed because you have no way of know how bad it would have been without them.

Here's a bright idea: how about we take some of the blame for the bad shit that happens in life?
Why did the holocaust happen?
1. Because we who "won" WWI forced Germany to live in economic and literal ruins, priming the German people to follow whatever radical idiot promised to restore their national standing in the world.
2. Because we ignored all the warning signs that Hitler was a freak of a nature. We ignored the fact that Jews were disappearing, we ignored Hitler's incredibly transparent speeches about his genocidal goals, we even ignored it when he started invading other countries!
3. Because when we finally woke up from our sugar comas we still couldn't get on the same page and band together to stop the devil man. To this day people will argue that it was wrong to go to war or that it was wrong for people to try to assassinate Hitler.
Who's to blame for the Holocaust? Everyone on the planet at the time who didn't do anything to stop it. Every leader of every country who didn't do everything they could to stop it, regardless of popular opinion or opinion of other countries.

We're not near smart enough to understand why God allowed it (obviously, because I've yet to hear of anyone with a good reason). We never will be.

And until human beings as a whole start attempting to take care of these problems themselves (instead of prizing their money more than the lives of their fellow human beings) I refuse to take any individual seriously who tries the ol' "Why did God allow this?" game.

Light-hearted Worry-free Blog: Best Finales

Sidereel.com (where I download all my TV shows) made their "Top 10 Finales" list and while some were indeed awesome, others were not, so I made my own list. The only rule, other than awesomeness, is that it couldn't be from this season because 1. I have not seen them all, and 2. the shock still hasn't worn off from some (Grey's anyone?!?!?!?! AHH!! WTH?)

Warning, spoilers abound.

24 season 1. "11pm-12am" Killing off one of the main characters, who was presumed to finally be safe after being in danger all season AND revealing the mole to be the one person you trusted as much as Jack!?!??!!? Wicked.

Alias season 3 "The Telling." Sydney wakes up in another country, it's 2 years later, and Syd doesn't remember anything about it?!?!?!? This is the random episode I saw (though I'd seen a couple before it, enough to know what was going on) that made me come back and watch the series from beginning to end. Again, another finale that depended heavily on the premier the next season: SD-6 is gone? Sloane is a good guy? (or is he?) Vaughn is married? Her mother and father are buddy buddy?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 3 "Graduation Day." Even as I watched it (almost a decade after it was released) I knew it would forever be my favorite Buffy episode. Even without Spike it made the list, which is saying something.

Grey's Anatomy season 2 "Losing My Religion." Even though I watched much of season three before season two, and therefore knew Denny's fate from the get-go, there was still so much sadness. And Karev carrying Izzie away in the prom dress? And Izzie lying on the bathroom floor in the premier of season 3? Am I the only one who thinks the following premier really effects the finale?

Veronica Mars season 2 "Not Pictured" It was 24 for teenage girls. And I loved pretending I was one. But the twists, my gosh! I LOVED THEM!!!! Not only did we solve the bus mystery, bizarre and creepy and the most UNLIKELY person ever, but we learn that everything we thought we knew about Veronicas rape was also a lie.

Lost season 3 "Through the Looking Glass" NOT CHARLIE!!!!! It was devastating. And oddly enough, I like my shows devastating.

How I Met Your Mother season 2 "Something Blue" All because of Barney's "It's going to be legend...wait for it..." ending. And that it picked up at "...dary! Legendary!" in the next premier. I'm telling you, I am a sucker for the good premier. I don't even remember anything else from this episode!

Gilmore Girls season 2 "I Can't Get Started" I admit, I found a clip of the ending on YouTube and watched the Jess-Rory kiss like 5000 times that summer. I claim temporary insanity: I was 16.

House season 4 "House's Head/Wilson's Heart" 2 hours of House: Seeing the interworkings of his mind and cut-throat bitch dies a random incurable death. Death by antivirals. I cried. Awesome.

I really don't have a tenth. This space is reserved for the next awesome finale I see. :-)


I should do a "Top 10 Premiers" during premier week in the fall...

I should totally be in bed

I'm trying to make an effort to live a less stressed life. I'm not really sure how that's going to work because I love productive stress (procrastinating for papers, working in emergencies etc) but I think I need to get rid of the nonproductive stress for sure. The difficulty is knowing which is which.
For instance: Xanga. Ah yes, Xanga. So much of what I read makes me angry, which is counter-productive except for the fact that I am motivated by anger. ...perhaps I need different motivation. Well, yes, now that I've written that it appears insanely obvious. I need new, better motivation. Clearly.

As I have some extra time coming up now that I'm in practicum and only have one class, both of which end in the middle of June, two months before I'll be starting work, I have some goals to try and accomplish. I'll never do them if I don't write them down and have people know about them so here goes.
1. New motivation.
2. Learn to sail
3. Exercise...weekly (oh I'm such a slacker)
4. Re-establish my belief system. I've had too many strangers in recent months telling me what I believe. And most of them are wrong but they're so loud and persistent and confusing that I've forgotten why they're wrong. I have to go back to people I trust. CS Lewis, Brother Andrew, Stasi Eldgridge, Ted Dekker...and of course God.
Seeing as 4 is majorly huge and 1-3 will take up their fair share of time as well, I think that's enough for now.

Oh, I saw Seven Pounds today. It was AH-MAZING! Seriously. If I could buy stock in Will Smith I would. He never dissappoints. I totally hope I could be the type of person he played in this film. (Minus the guilt and depression.)

*flops onto bed overdramatically*

Exactly one year ago I was gearing up for the first day of nursing school.
...or possibly sleeping. I was better about that back then.

And today I've finished my first day of practicum.
And I'm exhausted.

I love nursing, but my brain is nursing fried. I don't have the answers to any questions right now.
I am dead to the nursing world.

*curses the fact that there is a grad class I am actively ignoring*


In other news...


It's Finale Time!!!!!
A time almost as exciting as Premier Week. Only Finale Time doesn't get a song and dance, just raves and gripes.
I just watched the episode of GA from last week (not the finale, but no matter) and it is one of the top five GA eppys. It's up there with Crash Into Me, It's The End of the World...As We Know It, Walk on Water/Drowning on Dry Land/Some Kind of Miracle, and Freedom (I combine the "to be continued" story arcs as one long eppy).
Though nothing can quite capture those first two seasons, this episode came the closest.

Lyrics

My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life,
Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home
--Revelation, Third Day

"That little boy was my country"

I watched The Interpreter again tonight. The last time I saw it I fell asleep because I found it boring and irrelevant.
Unfortunately I found it poignant and applicable today.
There is a segment where the FBI(?) is briefing on the genocidal leader, Zuwanie, and his rivals. They mention how Zuwanie was responsible for freeing the country from previous oppression, was then elected President of their country, and proceded to run it into the ground. They made a comment about how that's what always happens: revolutionaries become dictators. Rulers change their politics as soon as they get power. They go from beloved to feared.
Nicole Kidman's character mentions how proud her family and the other families in their neighborhood were when Zuwanie became president. And how he turned around and killed them all.
And while it's still currently a little bit of a dramatic leap to make the connection to our current government...I certainly share the sentiment in that I so wished I could cheer and celebrate over his election, and I did have some silly notion of hope that he would prove me wrong. But instead he's been worse than I imagined.

*sigh*

10 years later

It's hard to fathom that Columbine is already 10 years past.
To me it seems like yesterday.
A lot of people can probably remember where they were when they heard the news. I don't. What I remember are the events before I was told. Events unfolding at the exact moment Harris and Klebold were carrying out their plan. Events that were pointing to a similar sinister event at my own school...


My 8th grade class shares 4th period history class with some seventh graders, and there is one particular kid I try to avoid (We will call him "Zane"). He is loud and obnoxious and tends to make threatening remarks to a lot of us. He tells racist jokes on my bus in the afternoons, and often tells me that if I don't shut up (and stop telling him not to tell the jokes) that he'll "make [me] shut up permanently." A few days ago he threatened to kill me when Danny caught him sticking tape on my back in the middle of Bible class and I shot him a nasty look. I ignored it, like everyone else, when he told us that he's writing a book called "10 Ways to Really Really Hurt Someone Without Killing Them." He hinted that Danny and I were some of the "someone"s. I refused to admit that it scared me a little.
So now it's 11:29, April 20, 1999. My friends and I laugh as we make our way to our usual seats in the far left corner of the room, by the wall with the map of the world on it. My desk is under Christmas island. I like that.
We are all totally unaware that Harris and Klebold are entering a school library with guns exactly 1,235 miles away.
11:32. The assault in the library and our bell rings as Mr. Harris (no relation) tries to get our class under control. Suddenly "Zane" stands up and starts singing,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!..."
Mr. Harris is not amused. I roll my eyes and Emily and Jackie snicker.
"...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HITLER!..."
No one is even remotely amused anymore, least of all Mr. Harris. "SIT DOWN!"
"...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!" Zane plops back into his chair with a smirk and a high five from his only friend.
I am now actively seething in my desk. I don't remember what Mr. Harris said but I do know that "Zane" is not sent to the principal.
Minutes later the last victim is killed in Columbine and before class ends both Harris and Klebold are dead.

Lucky for my little school, my mother did not take as kindly to "Zane"'s song and threats as our teachers did. After calling my school twice the next day and getting the run-around, she threatens to call the news stations and finally gets acknowledged by the administration.
I am pulled out of third period by the school counselor. I nonchalantly recount "Zane"'s behavior in class and on the bus, giving the names of a couple other kids who have seen and heard his threats.
Come 7th period Bible class I am a little nervous when "Zane" plops down in his assigned seat behind me, but a few minutes before class ends the principal comes for him.
As we leave school for the day I see some adults clustered around "Zane"'s locker.
It turns out they found his book, along with several gun magazines, with several guns circled.
I don't know what he confessed to, but he was expelled from school. His accomplice came back the next year, apparently having become a turncoat. I was never quite comfortable around the accomplice, though...and was super nice to him for the next four years.
We had a fire drill at some point during his mess of threats, after the school shooting involving a fake fire drill, and I remember everyone walking calmly to the doors and then stopping en masse, afraid to go outside. I spent the whole time we were out there, looking around in the trees, between the student's cars, and on top of the building.

And so every year, on the anniversary of Columbine, I remember all the kids who died, and all ones who didn't. I feel a weird connection to them, devouring their biographies, attending lectures by their family members, doing research projects on the shooters and prevention.
It's weird to wonder how close we came. To wonder if "Zane" really meant anything he said or if he just wanted attention.

It's worth it to never know.

My new favorite definition of when life begins

Forget the love affair with machines. (which I find ridiculous and dangerous for all my trauma patients)
This guy says "I do not consider any being to be alive until it can exist on its own. What I mean is that a fetus is not a living being until its umbilical cord has been cut.... "

Which was news to me.
I had no idea the screaming, squirming thing that was making angry faces at me while I tried to help wipe it clean was, in fact, not alive....all because it's dad was fidgiting with a pair of scissors, never having been told how thick and slimy the umbilical cord would be.

It's scary when dead things are so vocal!

What if?

With my xanga excursions into the great unknown, I've had my faith challenged/assaulted again and again...and again. And I won't lie, it made me question.
I have no problem with people knowing.
Because doubt can lead to critical thinking.
Questions are good. Always good.
Because when you listen to the assaults by logic and experience etc. it's like a hurricane coming by and beating your house into shambles.

How the heck can that be a good thing?
Well, because you either have to live in a heap of trash or you have rebuild. And in rebuilding you are able to make all the weak areas strong. Stronger than they were before. And you understand a little more about how your house functions and how you can maintain it and keep it from falling into shambles all on it's own later down the road.
That's what I've been working on. Today I went to the human trafficking awareness rally, which was something I hadn't done since undergrad, and was possibly something I never would have done again, had I not been actively looking for ways to "rebuild my house."

Well tonight I heard one of my favorite lyricists, Nichole Nordeman (I don't have favorite singers, because I could care less if they just stood there and recited their lyrics to no music), and I was like "Aha! Yes! That is how I feel!" (Which is often what she makes me do, which is why I love her). Even though I'd heard the song before, this time it made the connect:

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope we never dreamed of hoping for?
What if I jump?
And just close my eyes?
What if the arms that catch us, catch us by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if I dig?
Way down deeper than my simple-minded friends
What if I dig?
What if I find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all I find?
What if they pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you're wrong?

--What If?