10 years later

It's hard to fathom that Columbine is already 10 years past.
To me it seems like yesterday.
A lot of people can probably remember where they were when they heard the news. I don't. What I remember are the events before I was told. Events unfolding at the exact moment Harris and Klebold were carrying out their plan. Events that were pointing to a similar sinister event at my own school...


My 8th grade class shares 4th period history class with some seventh graders, and there is one particular kid I try to avoid (We will call him "Zane"). He is loud and obnoxious and tends to make threatening remarks to a lot of us. He tells racist jokes on my bus in the afternoons, and often tells me that if I don't shut up (and stop telling him not to tell the jokes) that he'll "make [me] shut up permanently." A few days ago he threatened to kill me when Danny caught him sticking tape on my back in the middle of Bible class and I shot him a nasty look. I ignored it, like everyone else, when he told us that he's writing a book called "10 Ways to Really Really Hurt Someone Without Killing Them." He hinted that Danny and I were some of the "someone"s. I refused to admit that it scared me a little.
So now it's 11:29, April 20, 1999. My friends and I laugh as we make our way to our usual seats in the far left corner of the room, by the wall with the map of the world on it. My desk is under Christmas island. I like that.
We are all totally unaware that Harris and Klebold are entering a school library with guns exactly 1,235 miles away.
11:32. The assault in the library and our bell rings as Mr. Harris (no relation) tries to get our class under control. Suddenly "Zane" stands up and starts singing,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!..."
Mr. Harris is not amused. I roll my eyes and Emily and Jackie snicker.
"...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HITLER!..."
No one is even remotely amused anymore, least of all Mr. Harris. "SIT DOWN!"
"...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!" Zane plops back into his chair with a smirk and a high five from his only friend.
I am now actively seething in my desk. I don't remember what Mr. Harris said but I do know that "Zane" is not sent to the principal.
Minutes later the last victim is killed in Columbine and before class ends both Harris and Klebold are dead.

Lucky for my little school, my mother did not take as kindly to "Zane"'s song and threats as our teachers did. After calling my school twice the next day and getting the run-around, she threatens to call the news stations and finally gets acknowledged by the administration.
I am pulled out of third period by the school counselor. I nonchalantly recount "Zane"'s behavior in class and on the bus, giving the names of a couple other kids who have seen and heard his threats.
Come 7th period Bible class I am a little nervous when "Zane" plops down in his assigned seat behind me, but a few minutes before class ends the principal comes for him.
As we leave school for the day I see some adults clustered around "Zane"'s locker.
It turns out they found his book, along with several gun magazines, with several guns circled.
I don't know what he confessed to, but he was expelled from school. His accomplice came back the next year, apparently having become a turncoat. I was never quite comfortable around the accomplice, though...and was super nice to him for the next four years.
We had a fire drill at some point during his mess of threats, after the school shooting involving a fake fire drill, and I remember everyone walking calmly to the doors and then stopping en masse, afraid to go outside. I spent the whole time we were out there, looking around in the trees, between the student's cars, and on top of the building.

And so every year, on the anniversary of Columbine, I remember all the kids who died, and all ones who didn't. I feel a weird connection to them, devouring their biographies, attending lectures by their family members, doing research projects on the shooters and prevention.
It's weird to wonder how close we came. To wonder if "Zane" really meant anything he said or if he just wanted attention.

It's worth it to never know.