Days 11 and 12: Wearing myself out

I think I've slept like 15 hours in the last 3 days. It's catching up with me. *Big yawn* But I did manage to pull myself out of bed for the Go New Orelans info meeting this afternoon. More on that later.

First, last night, Sar and I went to Dayton for a grocery shopping field trip with Lindsay. Sarah's job was to figure out how many Weight Watcher's points everything was and mine was to watch out for deals/coupons etc. Because I am the Penny Pinching Princess. And I love grocery shopping. I know, I know, huge geek alert.

I won the "guess how much the cart costs" game. I said $200 (it's almost full here) and it was 240 something. It would have been less if she'd followed my advice on the frozen veggies sale! :-P

Then of course today was the Trip Info meetings. It was hard deciding whether to go to the Mamelodi or New Orleans meeting today. I actually decided to go to the Go Mamelodi meeting but I headed for the chapel (which is where our meetings always were before) and lo and behold that's where the New Orleans meeting was. It actually made more sense since I already have 99% of the info for the Go Mamelodi trip and I remember not really learning anything last year that I didn't find on the website.

Anyway, it's getting closer and more exciting all the time! I can't believe I have to come up with 5,350 buckaroos between the two trips. The most aggravating part is that the money is staring at me from my bank account but it's already been committed to God for the house. It's so easy to say "Well, maybe God didn't tell me to buy a house, maybe I made it up. Maybe we should just rent another year so I have a bigger cushion and less worries." But that's just not true. And it's also really easy to worry. I mean, I worried about raising the 3,000 last year and that probably would have been easier to swing, looking back. Not only that but this time around people have already given once and I feel like all my resources are tapped, plus we're deeper into the recession, and (in feeling I needed to be 100% open with everyone) everyone knows that I have the cash because I'm using it to buy a house. The whole house thing is becoming a huge trust issue. I have to trust God knows what He is doing and isn't out to destroy me or make me a pauper or anything.

Which is ridiculous because HE IS GIVING ME A HOUSE!!!!!! That's the way I see it anyway, the way I've seen it since He first told me to buy one. I was going through Game Change and was terrified He would ask me to give all my savings to the Church. (While the idea of being a penniless missionary is appealing to me in a sense, the actuality of it is not.) Instead He told me to use it to buy a house. But I was not planning on buying a house right now. I like having that cushion in the bank for emergencies.

Like cars breaking down and asteroids hitting the earth.

The house is a very weird representation to me, there is a lot of tension around it. In one way it is a gift because, hello, I got the a-okay to buy a house, most people would think that was sweet. (Well, most people would think it's crazy I believe God said to buy a house, but barring that...) But in the other it's this huge roadblock that keeps me from knowing what comes next, or at least it keeps me from thinking I know what comes next.

The part that embarasses me most is that I like that. I like throwing my hands up and saying "Whatever, God, I don't know what I'm doing but I'm assuming you do and hoping this does not blow up in my face." It feels oddly safe. And that's embarassing because I'm supposed to be in control, you know? I'm supposed to want to control my own life. I'm supposed to be strong enough and smart enough to do that now. Or so says the world. Little by little I find myself living more and more in the Kingdom, which is so much more relaxing and enjoyable...but then being relaxed and happy makes me feel like a big lazy loser.

Oh flesh nature how I despise you and your ability to make me feel stupid and tiny. I think the cure for this current funk is a good ol' run of LoTR princesses and a nap!