And the sleepless saga continues. I think I have figured it out though: I have spent so much time lying in bed worrying that now either I psychologically associate my bed with worry or there are some evil spirits of worry hanging out around my bed. Regardless, when I get home in the morning it is getting prayed over.
It was so bad when I woke up today that I lay there I couldn't get the words together to pray. I was trying to pray the armor of God, as I do when I feel particularly weak or bothered and I couldn't access any of God's promises to even start with the belt of truth. So I sent up a hail Mary (in the football sense...and kind of non football sense I guess) and prayed for some backup from the Saints who have gone before. (Side note: I don't think the saints actually intervene in our lives, but I do think they can still petition for us, just like living people can, because, well, why on earth not? And according to Revelation and possibly other NT books [Ephesians? Philippians?] they watch life unfold on earth and beg God for justice. So I assume that there are some people who watch me, and I assume they are people who faced the same kinds of things I face, thus why wouldn't they join me in praying for answers and help?)
Anyway, I prayed quickly that God would listen to the Saints who had been in my situation before in leiu of my prayers, since I couldn't actually pray anything myself. And immediately thought I need to get up out of bed. I need to get to Crossroads early. And I immediately started feeling better, more energy and all. Then on the way to Crossroads, Jamie Grace's "You Lead" came on the radio.
I've got waves that are tossin' me,
Crashin' all over my beliefs,
And in all sincerity, Lord,
I wanna be yours,
So pull me out of this mess I'm in...
As a child I heard your voice,
But as a girl I made my choice,
There is no other way for me,
I'm devoted to you...
And this world may push, may pull,
But your mercy never fails,You lead, I'll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow,
Your grip, Your grace, You know the way,
You guide me tenderly, yeah,
When you lead, I'll follow,
Just light the way and I'll go,
Cause I know what you got for me is more then I can see,
Sometimes when I wake up
I don't wanna rise up, Out of my bed,
too many thoughts in my head,Don't wanna be who I used to be,
Gonna take the back seat and let you lead,
So lead me on, on, on and on,
Just lead me on, on, on and on,
And I...
Need to stop, need to stop,
Cause I'm going to fast,
And I...
Know my God is still God, and You got my back...
Perfect. By the time I got to Crossroads I wasn't even feeling poorly anymore!
And then the message was great. It referenced William Wilberforce and how it took 20 years of "failure" to succeed in abolishing the slave trade. And about 10 years in, not only had he made no progress, but things actually got worse as slave traders began throwing sick slaves into the ocean because they didn't want to carry them any further (!!!). But he didn't give up, and he eventually did succeed. It took all his money, all his health, his reputation and public standing, but he and his like-minded friends did the unthinkable.
It was relevant because he also attempted to come against the sex trade in India but didn't get as far, so we are now following in his footsteps quite literally.
It was all a good reminder to
1. Not give up on my own personal challenges and missions
and 2. Life is so much bigger than just me
and 3. This particular issue I'm dealing with right now isn't my only mission. It might seem stalled but I have more than one pot on this stove so while this particular one is taking forever to boil, so to speak, and I have to wait patiently (I soooooooo did NOT pray for patience, how did I wind up with this task?), there are other pots that have progressed while I was busy elsewhere.
In other words: there is always something to do! Lots to do! I don't need to worry myself trying to accomplish things that only God can when my efforts can be more useful elsewhere at the moment.
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